Three for Thursday

Please, someone console Debe in her grief over the absence of clip art in today's post...and then kindly remind her that her hateful, bi-polar phone is the reason my features are so limited. Perhaps we our next restaurant will have paper place mats and crayons so I can draw her a picture.

I have come to a teensy measurement of terms with the fact that I have virtually no control over my house while I travel. I employed a technique known as Radical Acceptance, something which will enable me to get home alive but which is far too dangerous a potion for those for whom cleaning is not a lifelong sickness, er, passion.

THURSDAY:

-Never surrender to the dishes nor the laundry. Could you really live with yourself having to confess "I was defeated by some towels and plates?" No. You mustn't. I for one would laugh and point forever.

-Wipe down five things your children touch most, be it a Little Tykes car or the bathroom.

-Wash all bedspreads and/or comforters. Yes I realize this = more laundry = misery but they need it. They are commonly neglected.

-Wipe down one bathroom.

-Really really really clean your computer area. Stack things, pitch them, shred them, consolidate lists, spray a little Windex on a paper towel and clean your screen, clean cords--they're unsightly, restock paper, gather scattered writing utensils...okay you get it. Make it a place of serenity (no sand zen gardens!) So that you can fuck off on facebook with less guilt.

-If you have.stairs, sweep/vacuum/lint roll them. If you do not, high five!

-Clean out one more cupboard. For those who remember Jacob's magnificent coup in his pantry (see older posts), you know this is not insurmountable.

-Wipe down/dust/wash the largest piece of furniture you own. Get creative. Send pictures.

-Please text me and tell me if Starbucks sells some shitty espresso in a can (puke) that is NOT sweet!

Wake me when we get there.

What the Wednesday?

You guys, this one wasn't my fault. Our hard drive died yesterday, but because it's my hard drive, it had to die in such a manner as to warrant beckoning all the king's horses and all the king's men to gawk and dissect it before declaring it dead and slapping Todd with a $200 invoice for a new one. He loves unexpected expenses, especially for repairs on things we use constantly (like vehicles) almost as much as he likes my Saturday coffees and how I cannot shut up for 30 hours. Yes the kids have a computer, and I tried posting there but like the mouse fell apart and the ball rolled away and fuck me I gave up. Apparently I am a Walking Technological Disaster as well as Walking Medical Disaster. It's cool. It's never my fault so wtf?

Today I am out of town, this month has been so crazy. I left my house really clean and with upcoming events and homework all ready, Netflix all set, pretty much everything gleaming.

So what is left of today is about you guys--yea! Are you guys still having trouble commenting? I get lots of emails, and texts, but the comments seems to be thwarting our unified front here. Somebody help. I'd try but the person who constructed Moxieclean likely installed some Mission Impossible self-destruction device if I go digging. I also had to sell my soul to satan to get the site meter on, and I cannot get comments via email so I miss a lot of older ones.

Before I conjure up some torture, I wanted to share this link I got this morning. This is such a rad deal, I'm dying of excitement. The sale is generally three for $10.00. The only thing is, I'm not sure if it's restricted holidays scents but damn, it doesn't matter at these prices.

http://www.bathandbodyworks.com/family/index.jsp?categoryId=3905191&cp=2484777&cm_mmc=CH-_-20091111AB-_-3012000-_-mainAB&cm_lm=lovetocleanup@gmail.com

So do that. They make great gifts/stocking stuffers/something to add to a gift bag, and also, um, as soap.

What's left of Wednesday:

-Turn on You Tube and blast Tegan and Sara's Walking with a Ghost, mixed your most beloved and embarrassing 80's shit rock. DO IT!

-The kitchen is alive with you cleaning it! Turn on the water, open the dishwasher, get those dishes moving toward the sink, wipe down counters, cupboards, stove tops, window sill, refrigerator, microwave--put the tray in the dishwasher and wipe it out, sweep the floor, Swiff or mop, spot clean, take extraneous shit off the refrigerator, wipe it down, do away with unnecessary clutter on your counter, take a peek under your sink and see what sort of crap you've hidden under there. Get rid of it. Make your kitchen a place of peace.

-I had better hear that washing machine running. OMG you guys should totally come do a load at my house, our new set kicks ass!

-Literally walk outside and re-enter and pick up the first 25 things you see that are not right, like the back page of a Highlights magazine--"What's wrong with this picture?" Grab a laundry basket, yell at your kids, whatevah yo, just do it.

If you get your kitchen singing, and spruce up your front area, that is a great day, especially since Mesina and Maha are hell of sleeping because everything I touched yesterday broke and touch screen phones are the antichrist.

Make me proud, come on, the holidays are lurking and I already have people asking me to come take care of their problems before Bonnie gets home like Mr. Wolf in Pulp Fiction. In English--y'all think I'll come clean your house for Thanksgiving. And I will, but at least keep things moving until I get there so I'm not peeling some encrusted spatula off your counter, or chipping fettucini off the floor with razor blades. Kapeisch?

Go!

Tickle Me Tuesday

Okay, OT and wholly Cheyenne-centric: I returned from my often harrowing visiting circuit pretty flipping apprehensive as to what forms of disorder and details which are apparently invisible to those with Y chromosomes or under the age of 10. Mind you, Todd is super tidy. He'd never let the marinara sauce boil over and stick on the stove top but it would never occur to him to remove the stove knobs and wipe underneath them with Lysol. Oh well, I arrived to see him wiping the kitchen down, a warm smile from our new washer and dryer set, which did all the laundry. The dishes were done, the house was dusted, and Todd got the kids through almost all the lessons for the month. I mean shit, not bad. I swept the laundry room, and spent literally two hours paying my dues for my criminal over-packing. Why is everything I own BLACK??? It was heaven hanging all my crap in my neurotic manner with one stupid arm.

Today is Quinn's 11th birthday so I spent all night giving the house the deluxe once-over so as to break out the stramers and liberate his 900 balloons from Todd's Jeep. I shan't worry about cleaning again until 55 people flood my house, ravenous for cake and to heap presents on him, leaving me with sticky plates and garbage and a semi-fake smile, lol. Luckily he's getting mostly cards with cash so that's a load off. Sadly Quinn has abandoned his nine year.tradition of eating at McGrath's in favour of APPLEBEE'S??? Thank the baby Jesus for Xanax, omg omg omg.

So in the spirit of birthday mayhem, consider the following:

-Euthanize the balloons in a heap on the floor from the birthday two months ago.

-Get those appliances humming, be grateful that you don't have a pot o'hot water and a wash tub.

-Clean some serious paper products. Toss, recycle, shred, whatevah, DO IT!

-Wash entryway/all throw rugs.

-Windex bathroom mirrors because mine really need it.

-Have a heart-to-heart with your closet and remove at least five items for a friend, swap, or for fabric, but we all have.hella excessive clothing. I am the guiltiest offender.

-Take a gander at floors and enlist brooms, Swiffers, and/or vacuums as necessary.

-Great idea from Debe: Spot treating the couch! I hope you don't need it but if you do, get some spot treatment or even soapy water and.show no mercy.

It will be a great day if you can put a dent in this list, but I know you can. Prove me right.

(Disclaimer: On a phone, not proofread!)

Miniature Monday

Let me see a show of hands from those who arose this dark wet day with a burning drive to clean clean clean! Just as I suspeced, all I saw was my own eager reflection in the monitor. But that's okay.

Alloe to refresh your memories as to Moxieclean's main objective. I know so many people who feel crippled when the house in its entirety becomes, as it is often called, a "shit hole," crippling some of you completely. Frankly, my goal is not for your house to shine like the top of the Chrysler Building, I'm not Ms. Hannigan. I just aim to urge you to tackle just enough each day, even if it's bare bones, that your never face the monstrous task of slaying your entire house. That's just shit, even I don't like that.

So let's bear in mind that I'm just trying to keep encourage general, eye-pleasing tasks like vacuuming and wiping the bathrooms, with a crevice cleaning and/or window track chaser. Bottom line: Your best is always good enough. Doing anything helps. A swipe a day keeps the shit hole away!

I am still globe-trotting. Well maybe not globally, but away from home is away from home, and despite, as I've said before, Todd and the kids being unusually tidy, I can feel hives streaking across my face because, for instance, no one will have thought to sweep the laundry room, which will be a jungle, and bedding. Oh bedding. My mind makes no distinction between seven comforters on the floor and a dump truck dumping dirt onto my carpet. Anyway, let's see what we can cook up today:

-Coffee is key today. It's freeezing, I'm wearing a Snuggie, and it's going to take some extra oomph to dig in and get the washer going, especially for Sam and others whose machines arein the garage--brrr. :(

-Have a kid unload any clean dishes that stand in the way of loading the dirty ones. start way over at the stove top, scooching everything as near to the sink as possible, even if you have multiple loads. Soak pans, stack plates uniformly, gather DREADED (yes even I dread it) and stick it all in one large glass, streamline as much as possible and start loading. Leave the left side filled with soapy warm water to make the next round that much easier. Having the washer and dishwasher humming will give you a good boost, I promise.

-Chug some more coffee, without sitting down, and begin a sweep from one end of the house to the other. You can skip individual rooms. Pick up dishes first, then garbage, clothing, books/magazines, and threaten your children with something awful unless they get everything they own out of your sight.

-Give each said child, now that they are already scared, two wipes and instruct them to go into their rooms and wipe down desks, dressers, window trim, and doorknobs!

-DOORKNOBS!

-I know it's time to answer the call of your bathroom(s). Ajax in the sink, toilet, and shower, and remember your vinyl liner, or vinyl curtain if that's what you have, can go in the washing machine on medium setting, warm, with a bit o'soap and bleach. The beauty is it will get the pink shit off in like 20 minutes and there's no drying/folding involved! Just bundle it up and whisk it into the bathroom wet, dripping all over, and rehang it. I'm a big fan of washing bath mats often, so you need to be as well. I loathe stepping on a damp mat--yuck. So scoop those up, beckon a child to haul them to the laundry heap, and sweep the floor(s). Extra points for getting down to the nitty gritty baseboards. Start with sinks, then tub/shower, and then toilet. Toss your sponge into the wash, and if there's any post-scrubbing grit, which can happen with cleanser, use wipes to shine it up.

-We all still have copious wipes on hand at all times right? It's one of things one needs to possess in abundance in case of nuclear war or something.

-I challenge each of you to open one cupboard, pull everything out, wipe it down, get rid of old half-melted candles in the shape of a 7, as I swear to the baby Jesus you will not use it. You will forget and buy another 7 and then what? So pitch it now.

-Make sure the top of your refrigerator is bare unless your house is 1,000 sq. ft. or less. Still, a wipe-down and quick glance to see if anything needs to be thrown away is a good idea.

-Strip beds/change sheets. Is your room a peaceful place? It can be in five-to-ten minutes. Clear/straighten night stands, make your bed, organize tops of dressers, which usually amounts to putting laundry away. Wipe down window sills, remove dishes, clutter, anything that steals your vision as soon as you enter and makes you want to burn the place down.

-Meanwhile, set a 20 or 30 minute timer for your kids and have them tackle their rooms too. You can always fine tune later, but they can get the bulk under control, those who are old enough.

That's it. This is a great start for a Monday, and you can DO IT!!! One movement at a time can keep you triumphant over your house.

Soon I will post pics of whatever it is I return to, possibly subsequent shots of me dead or really drunk. :)

Sunday for Sissies?

It has been brought to my attention that many regular Moxlings are having trouble posting comments, while others are able to do so with ease.

I have no fucking clue. I'm a clean freak. Not a computer technician. Ack. I will have some of my techie peeps dig around and see what's up, but I have appreciated the emails and texts boasting your achievements. I didn't build the original blog, and it is fraught with weird glitches, so I will try to get it all fixed, seriously, as I believe that you guys motivate each other far better than I ever could, so you needs to see each other!

Earlier I was contemplating what I wish I were doing in my house. Suddenly my brain segued to hot tubbing, margaritas with brilliant mamas, book browsing for hours, getting my degree, and some pre-season christmas coups (see? I'm OCD but not totally insane--I loves me some fun), I decided it might be time to ask y'all what format changes might be more inspirational. I thought about reducing the maligned daily list two maybe two tasks and then take detailed pictures of me doing those things. People really respond to pictures. Does that appeal to anyone? Is it condescending? I have people tell me they can't even go to the store because their house is so messy. I just want to break it down as far as I have to so that the entire house is never an indefatigable beast ever again.

So please, ideas. Less of me talking? Well yeah, that probably won't happen, but we can shake things up if things are getting stale. Also, I forget that you guys have different houses than I, so I forget to admonish you to clean your staircase with a lint roller and shit like that.

For old times sake:

-Um, clean your staircase with a lint roller, obviously.

-Don't let the sun set on your laundry/dishes. (I believe that's in The Bible.)

-Dust five hutches, end tables, night stands, etc. Or all of them.

-Scrub five appliances, any five, but please make that include the microwave.

-Clean your computer and computer tower (it's a dust nightmare I guarantee it), cords, baseboards while you're down there. Collect hair bands, pen lids, paper clips while you're at it.

-DOORKNOBS. No I will not shut up. I have not gotten Swine Flu.

-Wash the biggest window or sliding glass door in your house. Do it.

-Put five things in a bag for a swap.

Good luck ladies, it never takes as long as you think it will. :)

(Almost re-broke my elbow attaching the clip art on the subway just for you jerk.)

Short but Sweet Saturday

So if you've never stolen someone's phone out of their jacket pocket at an internet cafe so as to hurry and peck out a meager substitute for Manic Cleaning Saturday surreptitiously before restoring it to its rightful owner, trust me when I say it's really stressful...so cut me some freaking slack!

Seriously, I have no idea what's going on en mi casa. Todd's newfound agricultural fervor may mean I will be greeted by a houseful of goats upon my return, eating my comforter, or he may have finally remodeled the bathroom. I'm on a mission right now and it's taking every minority non-OCD cell in my body not to pace this cafe worrying about it.

But, my life lesson of relinquishing control doesn't let you bitches off the hook. I'm not crouched in some phone booth so you can all sip lattes. Here we go:

-Make coffee.

-Nail the basics before you have a chance to procrastinate.

-Wash all mirrors.

-Cobweb check, these fall spiders are out en masse. Fuckers.

-Spiff up your living room.

-Clean your front bathroom as if child protective services was coming.

-Take out ALL garbages, and wipe down trash cans.

-Doorknobs.

-Throw out some shit that will make this misdemeanor and my effort worth it.

HOORAY!

Now, Debe bitched about the lack of insignificant clip art on the blog while I'm traveling. Please join me in a LOUD collective shout of "Get the f*** over it and clean yo house!"

Flippin' Friday

Having sojourned in several places of late, I reacquainted myself with homes through the eyes of a guest. One would think I'd be brimming with new ideas and tricks for whipping your house's ass, but as luck would have it, or rather, as I would have it, and not any other way, I was a guest at the home a few friends who thank GOD keep a really clean house. My days of ignoring sticky spots of unknown origin right next to me, various rotten foodstuffs all about, nary a cleaning solvent for miles, silent prayers for a mask, and no guts to say anything are OVER! I really believe that when taken to an extreme, the manner in which one keeps his/her home can reflect more than just their passion, or lack thereof, for cleaning. 99% of people I know fall in the middle, where there are toys on the floor but the dishes are safe to eat off of, and you won't catch anything off the toilet. On one end of the spectrum, practically falling off but held on by the new grippy kind of rubber gloves, is me, who has lemon-scented Lysol under every cabinets, wipes in every compartment of my purse, has drank the Lysol, bleaches the shit out of everything, knows whose fingerprints are on the mirror, cannot sleep with a fork in the sink, notoriously wipes my surfaces down six times, ad nauseum. I fully own my disorder, really. The worst part is it often feels like the other end of the spectrum, the home wherein peach pits adorn the floor, dogs eat brand new clothing while people laugh, sheets whereupon accidents have occurred are left to rot, virtually everything not made of cast iron is broken within two days, the closest soap product being the nearby grocery store, broken, scattered, random, wet, shredded ruins like a sea of death, and the stench of misery heavy in the air. I have seen it all. Can you imagine Person A and Person B being friends? I can't either. Well I mean not until 4,000 mgs. of Xanax is not lethal, although sometimes I'd rather take a lethal dose of ... anything rather than continue to lay my eyes on such unqualified filth. Now, seriously, none of you fits this profile. I so know I'm going to get 15 emails asking "Was that me?" No, it wasn't. I will undoubtedly get some anonymous heat too, but I can take it because like, no one glued your retinas to this blog. It's just from the data files of my life.

My broader point, after a glass of gin (very clean), is that I am much more attuned to my own habits as a guest than the crumb I might see or the closet full of sins, literally, in the form of non-white hangers. Amendment, now-broken non-white hangers. I've noticed that no matter how tidy your shower kit/makeup is, it becomes Ursula in someone else's house and takes up their entire bathroom. Also, if you dye your hair somewhere, rinse the bleeding colour off the walls really well. Throw a load of bath mats and towels into the laundry as a courtesy every other day, and also because sharing bath mats is awkward. I make sure the drain is clean, and use the kid wipes to wipe the floor, baseboard, sink/counter, doorknob, etc. I don't do it to be noticed, I do it because well, I'm hell of OCD, and because I wouldn't want my hosts to be like "OMG wtf did she do in here?" I also straighten things as I see them, make my bed when my feet hit the floor, and here's a biggie: Not letting my 75,000 Dasani water bottles pile up like bowling pins. I've not been offended nor disturbed by a single aspect of my gracious hosts' abode, save for the spider and their thieving son who is quick as lightning and loves my phone. Mostly it feels like my suitcase vomited everywhere and I keep fearing that a U-Haul will pull up with all my shit in it. It has been a great visit, really. It is so easy to relax in a clean house. Ironically, my friends are insane and hallucinate and think their palace is a shit hole and I am incredulous and would rather talk about my shit hole. You know?

God I haven't had gin in months, I had better churn out some challenges before I give Evil Anonymous too much bait to ignore.

So, we have some ideas as to how to be a good guest.

What if we were hosting:

-Keep those dishes hopping, extra mouths to feed.

-Laundry is the name of the game because sometimes Arby's puts mayonnaise on your sandwich and you puke all over yourself but you can't wash your own clothes because the dogs in the garage will kill you and you must entrust your amazing new jogging suit to someone else and hope they are still your friends afterward.

-Keep coffee brewed, or better yet, have Starbucks ready by my, ahem, your guest's bedside when s/he wakes.

-Try to have shampoo (conditioner optional), soap, and a RAZOR and shaving cream in the shower. Except I come prepared, as per aforementioned home in which a square of toilet paper is also a towel.

-Please have an outlet up high for phone chargers.

-Simple meals and/or eat out. Damn, who wants regular dishes let alone EXTRAS???

-Make towels available, lest random acts of streaking occur.

-Please announce any signs of Swine Flu.

-Please have E! Channel. And DVR.

-Please also have that lesbian pundit who is so awesome with the atrocious hair. Rachel...?

-Do not take pictures of your guests in compromising situations, such as in a towel on the phone.

-STOP APOLOGIZING FOR EVERYTHING. Your filth is not filth, only mine is, and I can't even see it.

-Allow your guests to rape your iTunes. This is greatly appreciated and will serve me well in further travels.

-Maybe have a Snuggie on hand, despite my notorious anti-Snuggie rants, because of accidental mayonnaise poisoning/new outfit destruction.

That's a start. And has no bearing on your actual lives, so post with pride about what you did do, the two of you who do not currently have Swine Flu. :)

Someone asked about posting pics of everyone's successes--YES!!! Let's do it! Send 'em!